Key Takeaways
- Stop comparing your new partner to your ex. It’s unfair to both of them and prevents you from enjoying the present relationship.
- Practice self-awareness. Understand why you’re making comparisons. Are you idealizing the past or holding onto unresolved feelings?
- Focus on the present moment. Be mindful and appreciate the unique qualities of your new partner.
- Communicate openly and honestly with your new partner. Share your struggles and insecurities so they can understand and support you.
Stop comparing your partner to your ex. It doesn’t help either of you establish trust or stability.
During a Relationship Reset session I was having with a client, she told me a story…
During the story she couldn’t stop telling me how excited she was that he asked her out.
Apparently she’d been Facebook stalking him for years, but they were always in a relationship so they just stayed cordial…not even a mutual flirt between them.
But finally she noticed both of their statuses had changed so she took her shot. He replied and they had instant chemistry as she knew they would.
They flirted via facetime for a few weeks, when I guess he finally worked up the courage to officially ask her out on a date.
As she explained it to me, the date started off picture perfect. He was very well dressed, had a fresh hair cut and a fresh shave.
Everything was perfect, until she started talking.
“My ex was a really good cook,” she said.
“I’m a pretty good cook myself,” the new guy replied with a chuckle.
They spoke some more and then she said…”My ex was really good at giving massages,”
“I’m a pretty good massage therapist myself,” the new guy replied.
The conversation then continued about massages for a bit. After it ended…
“My ex was also really good at…” the woman started to say, but she was interrupted by the new guy.
“I get it,” he said. “Your ex was perfect. But I’m not your ex. I’m me. And I’m pretty good at being me.”
She laughed very nervously and realized what she was doing.
The good news is that she recovered from that hiccup, stopped making the mistake of bringing up her ex and it didn’t ruin their date.
I pointed out to her after she finished her story that the comparisons always came during “dead times” in the conversation.
She was searching for something to say and her ex was the first thing that came to mind.
Now this could be an instant red flag that she hadn’t allowed herself enough time to heal after the breakup.
But I’d also like to let you know some other possibilities and ways to stop yourself from ruining a possible great connection by always bringing up your ex.
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Comparing your Partner to your Ex
Embrace Self Awareness
It’s natural to draw comparisons between past and present relationships, but constantly comparing your new boyfriend with your ex can be detrimental to your current relationship.
If you want to know How to Stop Comparing your Relationship to your Ex, Start by asking yourself…why you are comparing your current partner to your ex.?
Is it due to unresolved feelings or unresolved issues from your previous relationship?
Are you scared to leave your comfort zone? In the previous stories, her ex always gave her massages even when they weren’t on the best of terms. Subconsciously, she was still holding on to that.
Understanding the root cause will help you address it.
What are you hoping to gain by comparing your two boyfriends? Are you trying to figure out if your new boyfriend is better or worse than your ex?
Are you trying to decide if you made the right decision in breaking up with your ex? Once you understand your motivation, you can start to address it.
Remember that no two people are alike. Your new partner and your ex are two different people with their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses.
It’s unfair to compare them to each other. You know damn well how much you’d be pissed off if the shoe was on the other foot.
So start by becoming aware of your own thoughts and behaviors. Notice when you find yourself comparing your new partner with your ex.
Reflect on why you are doing this. Are you idealizing your past relationship? Are you holding onto unresolved feelings?
Understanding the underlying reasons behind your comparisons will help you gain clarity and take the necessary steps to overcome this habit.
I mean think about it…you guys are no longer together for a reason. At some point you have to let go of the fantasy and bring your thoughts back to reality.
With that being said, take my What’s Your Love Language quiz to make sure your new partner is meeting your needs as well.
Comparing your Partner to your Ex
Focus on the Present
Comparing Ex to new boyfriend is especially hard when you’re coming out of a bad relationship.
It is also the perfect time to practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judgment.
It involves focusing on your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they arise, without getting caught up in them or trying to change them.
Mindfulness can be practiced in a variety of ways, such as through meditation, yoga, or simply paying attention to your breath or surroundings throughout the day.
It can also be incorporated into everyday activities, such as eating, walking, or talking to someone.
A meta-analysis of 29 randomized controlled trials conducted by the Journal of Affective Disorders found that mindfulness meditation is an effective treatment for depression.
Mindfulness meditation has been shown to reduce depressive symptoms, improve mood, and increase resilience to stress.
Remind yourself that your current relationship is unique and deserves to be seen on its own merits. Your new partner is not your ex.
Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on the qualities and experiences that make your new partner special.
Be present in the moment and appreciate the journey of getting to know someone new.
Mindfulness can help you stay grounded and prevent your mind from wandering back to comparisons with your ex. Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future.
How to Stop Comparing your Relationship to your Ex
Practice Gratitude
Stop comparing ex to new boyfriend.
Focus on enjoying the present moment and your relationship with your new partner.
When comparing your current partner to your ex, try to identify any negative thoughts that arise. Ask yourself if these thoughts are fair or based on past experiences?
Practice reframing those negative thoughts into positive ones.
Instead of dwelling on what your ex had that your new partner doesn’t, shift your focus to gratitude. Make a list of all the things you appreciate about your current partner.
This exercise will help you recognize the value and strengths that they bring into your life.
By practicing gratitude, you redirect your attention to the positive aspects of your relationship and foster a more positive mindset.
Cultivating a mindset of gratitude will have immeasurable positive effects on your current relationship.
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the qualities and experiences that your new partner brings into your life and express appreciation for them.
Make a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your new partner.
How to Stop Comparing your Relationship to your Ex
Communicate Openly
Anyone who has had a Relationship Reset 1 on 1 with me knows I will use the word “communication” at least once.
If you find yourself constantly comparing ex to new boyfriend, it’s important to communicate your feelings openly and honestly.
Share your concerns and insecurities with your partner, emphasizing that it’s not their fault.
Opening up about your struggles will not only help you release some of the emotional burden, but also allow your partner to understand and support you better.
If there are specific concerns or doubts that arise from the comparisons, it’s important to communicate them with your partner.
Honest and open communication can foster understanding and help both of you navigate any challenges.
The first step to overcoming any bad habit is to become aware of it.
Once you realize that you’re constantly comparing your new partner to your ex, you can start to challenge those thoughts within yourself.
How to Stop Comparing your Relationship to your Ex
Seek Professional Help
If you find it difficult to break free from comparing ex to new boyfriend, consider seeking support from an honest friend or a relationship coach.
They can provide guidance and help you work through any issues that may be contributing to the comparisons.
If you’re struggling to stop and have a very understanding partner, consider talking to him/her about it.
Get the story from their point of view and see if they may be able to help you understand why you’re doing it and how to overcome it.
Regardless, communicate to someone. Talk about your needs, wants, and expectations. Be honest about your feelings, even if they’re difficult to express.
This is such an easy issue to fix, but it is one that ruin many people lives especially in their prime dating years.
Don’t rush into a new relationship after a breakup. Give yourself time to heal and learn from your past experiences.
Remember, every relationship is unique and comparing your current partner to your ex can hinder your ability to fully embrace and appreciate the present.
We all only have so many years on this planet to live this life. Don’t waste all of your time thinking about the past and not enjoying the present.
